Mr. Salsich
English 9
3 February 2009
My Cell Desires and Free Analogies:
An Essay on Imprisonment and Freedom
Imagine you are stuck in a holding of some sort, and you cannot leave. All you can do is sit, wait, and hope [3-action verb] to be rescued. As you sit around all day with nothing to do, your mind may begin to wander. If I were in that situation, I would think about the things I could see to make me feel a bit happier and what it would be like to be free again.
If I were imprisoned for a long while inside of a dark, dank [FAST] cell, there would be two things I would like to see the most every day. First, I would love to have one daily view of the sun. Even while I was trapped inside a cell in the dark, I would be comforted by that one ray of sunlight that would bless my life for just a couple of minutes each day. It would let me know that no matter what happens, there is still a world out there – a world that I could still hope to return to. The other thing I would yearn [FAST] to see would be my family and friends. If I could just see them for a couple of minutes every day, I would know that they were all right. This thought would give me comfort and allow me to live a better life, if possible, inside my holding cell. These two views may not seem like much, but they are the bare minimum of sights that I would be able to live with.
While inside that cell, I would think of freedom as a bald eagle. Freedom is like a bald eagle because it can rule the skies like no other. It is never hunted, for it is always the hunter. It is able to live with no fears, no rules, and no problems [tricolon], which is probably the ultimate goal of freedom. This eagle also relates to freedom because it is able to fly in the sky. Nothing can weigh it down because the air - its natural element - is weightless [s-v split participle phrase]. It just soars of its own accord, happy to be free and free to be happy [chiasmus]. A bald eagle is the epitome of freedom because it is able to live without boundaries or cautions.
Freedom is relative. If I were an eagle soaring freely in the skies who was one day magically changed into an American person, how free would I feel? The human part would have a free America to live in, but the bird part would still wish to patrol the skies. People may think they are free, but are they really trapped in a cell called land, with no way of knowing how to truly be free, to be liberated, or to be happy [tricolon]?
2 comments:
Dearest Timmy,
I greatly enjoyed reading your essay. Your chiasmus worked well and I thought your opening paragraph was very smooth and led into the rest of the essay. A transition in the middle of your first body paragraph might make it a flow a little better. Also, your paragraph on the eagle seemed a little short, so maybe you could beef up some of those sentences. Other than that, excellent work.
Timmy,
I very much liked your essay. Much like your last essay, your use of writing tools was great and really enhanced your sentences. I especially like your use of FAST words and tricolon. One thing that I noticed sounds a bit off is your second sentence in your first body paragraph, "First, I would love to see the sun daily". Try switching the words around or maybe adding a few. I also agree with Lydia on the fact that your second body paragraph is a little bit short, try elaborating some more. Overall, terrific essay!
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