Hamilton Salsich
English 09
20 November 2008
Think Before You Talk:
An Essay On A Talk By Stump Olsen
What exactly is wrong with homosexuals? Thinking at this very moment, I realized why people may not like "gay" people [PARTICIPLE]. Is it the simple fact that they found love before you? Is that why you don't like them? Today Stump Olsen joined our ninth grade class and shared with us her past, and harsh words that can be exchanged between a group of people.
TS Today there are many terms that can be offensive and hurtful to the gay community. SD The general definition we think of when we hear the word "gay" is someone who likes the same sex, when truly it's when two people are in love, just like "straight" people. CM Heterosexuality is discrimination against people who aren't "normal", and things like this make the world and its people so different and apart. SD The way American's jugde one-another is unbalanced, and unfair. CM Even in school communities, people on a day-to-day basis are being threatened, and verbally abused for being gay. CM The youth of this country view these harmful comments and think its "alright" to say these things, when it truly is not. CM These harmful phrases are often used in negative ways, and used upon objects, and in ways that literally make no sense. CS Being in love shouldn't hurt you, and no one should be able to take your love away from you. CS2 Next time your about to say something is "gay", think about who your going to hurt when you say it.
TS Her head aching, her heart racing, Mrs. Olsen came in to tell us about her harsh past and about heterosexuality. [ABSOLUTE] SD When she walked into the board room, she knew that the only information we knew about her was her sexuality, and she was perfectly fine with that. CM Although her sexuality was not the only thing about her. CM Ms. Olsen had more interesting attributes that we did not even consider, and we learned that she really didn't care what people thought about her. SD As Ms. Olsen began to speak, she spoke with dignity and her words flew out of her mouth as if she were speaking to life-long friends. CM She spoke with a smile as she told us of her hard years in high school, as if they were washed out memories that faded away as time went on. CM She said, "I didn't use my brain in high school for education, I used my brain to stay alive" with a slight smile, that cringed at the sides of her face. SD Ms. Olsen had a kind of reliance in herself, only true people have. CM How could she speak of such harsh memories with a smile painted on her face? CM Only someone who knows those things happen for a reason could bare to re-live them, and talk about them. CM Only someone who believed in themselves could bare to talk about their unfortunate childhood. CS How could we people judge someone on their sexuality? CS2 Love is love, let it be. CS3 Ms. Olsen taught us a very important lesson- to not judge others by their outer appearance, to not talk in a way that could offend others unintentionally, and to respect one another.
Stump Olsen's story was inspiring, and made me realize how hurtful words can truly be. I know I have said my fair share of fowl words, but I never thought who could have overheard, and who I may have hurt. Americans need to take Ms. Olsen's advice into consideration, and think before they speak. Maybe one day we can defeat heterosexism and learn to all love one another.
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Self Assessment
1. I am continuing to work on proofreading my essays and catch minor mistakes. Also, I'm working on organization.
2. I think I organized my essay pretty well. I tried to keep everything under one umbrella
.3. I had some trouble with the absolute and participle. I wasn't quite sure how to change them to make them work.
4. I would give this essay an B-
4 comments:
Sarah, you have a really good essay. the first sd caught my attention and was really well written. however, the opening paragraph sounds a little accusatory so you may want change that seeing as not everyone who is going to read your essay will be homophobic. also "deffinition" is actually spelled definition, so make sure you use a spell check. overall, nice essay
Superb essay Sarah! It was clearly thought out and done with a lot of effort. I especially love your second topic sentence. It is a great, but simple, way to sum up who Stump Olsen is, or at least how she presented herself to us. I do however have a couple of suggestions. One would be to make sure you check over your work. There are a couple of spelling errors that you could easily fix. Also, your use of quotations is a little frivolous.It isn't really necessary to put quotes around the word "gay" every single time, although it is necessary at some parts of the essay. Overall, great job!
Fantastic essay Sarah! One thing I liked in particular was the concluding sentences of the first body paragraph, they were very forceful and are sure to have an impact on the reader. A suggestion I have is to look over your participle. It is a little awkward and ambiguous. Also, your absolute is interesting. It works sense grammatically, but literally, do you think she was feeling like that? Anyway, great job on your essay!
Hi Sarah --
I FOUND THE OPENING PARAGRAPH A BIT CONFUSING. THE FIRST SENTENCE IS A GREAT HOOK, BUT THE 4TH SENTENCES DOESN'T SEEM TO FIT WITH IT. THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE A GOOD FLOW FROM THE FIRST TO THE 4TH SENTENCE.
"offensive and hurtful" YOU PROBABLY DON'T NEED BOTH ADJECTIVES. ALWAYS LOOK FOR WORDS THAT DON'T ACTUALLY BEAUTIFY THE WRITING. DELETING THEM CAN SERIOUSLY STRENGTHEN A SENTENCE.
" SD The way American's jugde one-another is unbalanced, and unfair." ... THIS SD SUGGESTS THAT THE CHUNK WILL BE ABOUT ALL AMERICANS, BUT IT'S REALLY ONLY ABOUT THOSE WHO ABUSE GAYS. TRY TO MAKE SURE THAT EACH CHUNK FITS NEATLY UNDER A SINGLE UMBRELLA.
"These harmful phrases are often used in negative ways, and used upon objects..." THE WORD 'OBJECTS' IS CONFUSING. A READER WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT OBJECTS YOU'RE REFERRING TO. TRY TO MAKE EACH SENTENCE UTTERLY CLEAR, SO ANY 9TH GRADE STUDENT COULD EASILY UNDERSTAND IT.
CM Although her sexuality was not the only thing about her ... THIS IS NOT A COMPLETE SENTENCE
SD As Ms. Olsen began to speak, she spoke with dignity and her words flew out of her mouth as if she were speaking to life-long friends. CM She spoke with a smile as she told us of her hard years in high school, as if they were washed out memories that faded away as time went on. CM She said, "I didn't use my brain in high school for education, I used my brain to stay alive" with a slight smile, that cringed at the sides of her face. ...SUCH LOVELY AND ORGANIZED WRITING!!!
Sarah, there's great passion and sincerity in this writing, as is always the case with your essays. I feel lucky to have read it.
Mr. Salsich
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